There was a time when every woman knew whether she was a Carrie, a Miranda, a Samantha or a Charlotte. It was called the Nineties. Now it’s been years since we last heard from the Sex and the City girls, and another HBO show focused on four female friends living in New York is dividing opinion. So as Lena Dunham’s Girls starts its fourth season on Sky Atlantic, it’s time to look deep into your soul and ask: are you a Carrie or a Hannah? Part of the Girls generation or SATC for life? These searching questions, scientifically designed over a vodka and tonic in front of the television, will help you find out.
1. Which of the following best describes your signature style?
A. Five different mismatching designer items in bold colours, usually including a corsage, a voluminous skirt and a pair of heels so gigantic they would kill a woman with a lesser taxi budget. (Can a woman die of bunions? Who knows - but at least she’d go out in style.)
B. Dementia patient goes wild in a charity shop. A playsuit, a kaftan, grey knitted tights, lots of fluoro, lots of shorts.
C. High street basics mixed with occasional, treasured designer purchases. You’ve learnt what suits you and tend to stick to flattering styles.
2. You get your money from…
A. Well, investments, I suppose. The property market has been kind. Plus there’s my amazingly well-paid job. And my rich and successful partner. (Even poor partners become rich and successful eventually. That’s just what happens, somehow, when people are around me.)
B. My parents. And a part-time job, but I’m thinking about quitting that because where is it really taking me?
C. I have money?
3. Would you ever have a bath with your best friend?
A. No, because there are twin bathtubs in my house.
B. Yes, obvs - it’d be totally boring to soak alone.
C. NO. What is wrong with you? I appal myself in the nuddy buff, never mind exposing another human being to my soft and pruning bath flesh.
4. Your body shape could best be described as:
A. Twiglike - even though you constantly walk around with ice cream, pizza and oversized sugary drinks, go out for cocktails four or five times per week, and take only two yoga classes per year. And are 42.
B. Sturdy. Not that it stops you wearing see-through dresses or tiny “shorteralls”.
C. At this time of year? That of a 1980s darts player, just before his first heart attack.
5. You’re lost in an unfamiliar part of the city. You’d better…
A. Hope that your boyfriend and his driver are passing nearby and spot you.
B. Send your best friend a dropped pin and wait for her to come and get you in a taxi.
C. Ask for directions. Although who actually listens to directions? It’s always like, “Take your first left, then when you get to the pub on the corner BLAH BLAH BLAH” and you have to smile and nod until the person leaves and you can look at Google Maps.
6. A Brazilian is…
A. A standing appointment in your diary every other week.
B. What people used to do with their bikini line in, like, the Seventies? You once experimented with vajazzle but since you exchanged your first naked Snapchats your boyfriend has made it clear he doesn’t expect to see anything “down there”.
C. A large number.
7. A close friend calls to say that something terribly upsetting (a break-up, a firing) has happened to her. You:
A. Drop whatever you’re doing and head right over to her house with vodka and/or unrefined carbohydrates.
B. Point out why it’s her own fault, trying to keep the smirk off your face and waiting until she hangs up crying before doing a mini fist pump.
C. Sympathise, and offer to meet after work.
8. The best way to hide a baby bump is…
A. By holding a massive drink or a laptop in front of it for the full nine months.
B. By wearing lots of layers of voluminous clothing - like normal.
C. There is no way to hide this, I’m the size of a house from my chin to my ankles.
9. If you lived in New York it would be in…
A. Manhattan - I’m not one of those bridge-and-tunnel people.
B. Brooklyn - it’s the only place to get truly great single-batch coffee.
C. The papers: “Wolverhampton receptionist given Green Card due to US shortage of people with pleasant telephone manner.”
10. Ask us a question.
A. Ooh, goody. When it comes to bags, men and cities, is it really outside that counts? No! Soulmates: reality or torture device? No! Are we the new bachelors? Are men in their twenties the new designer drug? Are threesomes the new sexual frontier? And I couldn’t help but wonder - are we simply romantically challenged or are we sluts?
B. Have you read my blog? Am I the voice of a generation? Should I break up with my boyfriend? But enough about me… what do you think of me?
C. Er, why?
MOSTLY As - SATC 4 life
Well slap on a tutu and call me Carrie, you’re SJP reincarnated. You’ll never dress age-appropriately (60 and fabulous here we come) and you live your life asking the big questions, looking for great love. Friends are important to you, if only because you should always have someone around who knows how to work an iPhone. On the other hand you have no family at all and were quite possibly born in Manolo Blahnik.
MOSTLY Bs - Millennial x Girls
You live in a grittier world where recessions happen and blogging is a viable career. Romance is always a drama, while you secretly hate your friends and wish for their failure to validate your own troubled life. Or is that just your OCD/ADD/ADHD talking? You’d better call your parents and ask them to pay for an appointment with a shrink.
MOSTLY Cs - I LOVE reality
You’re completely normal, obsessed with neither designer labels nor maladjusted young men. You should probably watch a bit more TV, to learn how women of your generation are supposed to behave.